Categories
Fiction

This one time, I was drunk at a party…

Gather ‘round kids and I’ll tell you of a time I was drunk at a party…that’s right, come on over there’s plenty of room. Ready?

This one time, I was drunk at a party. It was in Los Angeles (or somewhere close by, but totally north of Irvine so it counts) at the end of a century of excess. Elmo was celebrating. She was down two pieces of clothing and it wasn’t yet after 11pm. Increasingly uninhibited humans were pressed against each other both intentionally and accidentally. Someone was chanting in the back yard. There was a guy passed out on a couch. His red solo cup of party liquids perched precariously on the edge of an industry mag on the table in front of him. The Beastie Boys were encouraging us loudly from a stereo in another room or possibly outside. Concentric circles of their beats pulsed through the party liquids on the various surfaces. The solo cup tipped and flooded the surface of the coffee table. I rescued a mass market paperback novel. Several hours later, Elmo was yelling at me for embarrassing them.

“Oh my gods, Cookie?! What the fuck are you doing?!” She whisper shouted while snatching the book from my hands. “This is an honest to gods Hollywood Party and you haven’t left the living room!” She dropped Red Dragon to the floor and looked around to see if anyone noticed. “I can’t take you anywhere… where’s my top?”

Categories
Fiction

Retirement

DrD, UBB, Ret.

I’ve decided to claim retirement.

Desiree Ducharme, Used Book Buyer, Retired.

Retired adjective 1. having left ones job and ceased to work. 2. archaic (of a place) quiet and secluded; not seen or frequented by many people.

“Are you buying books still?”

“No, not professionally. I’ve retired.”

Categories
Fiction

The Miracle at Arabella

The sound of ultimate suffering split the dawn. It was coming from a masked figure, all in black. It raced across the courtyard and knelt beside the dead man. [Roberts arrives too late (64, Dawn & 15 sec)]

“Inigo!” The cry bridged the gap between night and day, living and dead. Out of respect for her grief, the dawn left a cloak of shadow around them. The blade lay dull on the stone. [Mercy Stops the Dawn (65, Dawn & 26 sec)]

Faria raced to the courtyard. “Please, he is at peace now. His suffering has ended.” Faria, openly weeping, rested a hand gently on the figure’s shoulder. [Mercy in Mourning (66, Dawn & 30sec)] Rosaline pulled the mask from her face. Her hair cascading free with her tears. She took Death’s hand in hers. [Grief Unmasked (67, Dawn & 37 sec)] The survivors gathered in the arch ways of the arcade surrounding the courtyard. [The Wake Begins (68, Dawn & 40 sec)] Hugh’s smudging was deafening in the stillness.

Categories
Fiction

The Death of Inigo Montoya

Spain.

The horse appeared solid, heavy. It’s legs sounding into the earth, announcing its own existence. The rider was insubstantial. All in black, night and shadow struggled to believe he was there at all. Death twinkled in the starlight on their left side. They rode hard through the night, slowing only as they began the ascent to Arabella. The rider dismounted at the sign post before the small village square. The thin shadow of a man approached the fountain at the center. Death glowed at his left hip. The eerie light cloaked the man in shadow, nearly erasing him, confirming his lack of essence. The horse wandered behind him. It did not fear death. After drinking their fill, rider and mount parted company. The horse smelled grass nearby. The rider smelled frozen earth, pine, and death. Like the horse, he followed his nose.

Categories
Fiction

This is not that story.

An introduction to Waverly’s Tale, part 3

The next part of this story is difficult to tell. It contains the strangeness that occurs when we retreat into personal cocoons and long to outgrow them. Heroines often have a space of time redacted from their history. We tend to avoid talking about how little girls become women, how common becomes uncommon. How truths become fiction. Goldman cuts this part from Buttercup’s story. He does it with the phrase, “What with one thing or another, three years passed.” Like Buttercup, we learned a lot. Though our education could be described as nothing more than intense drudgery with a side of general, Gen-x angst. We’re going to skip it.

What with one thing or another, two years passed…

Categories
Fiction

This is not that story

An Introduction to Waverly’s Tale, continued.

A lot happens to a kid in the 2190 days between 12 and 18. The once little girls who wove a self-styled cocoon of acceptance around each other, emerged as full-fledged pre-teens. This is a dangerous and difficult time for women. We’re fragile, yet flexible, eager to find the limits of our malleability. Our bodies expand and lengthen at alarming and completely random rates. We gain knowledge with a terrible cost; life is pain. Our internal organs declare war on comfort. The first battles of womanhood rage within us. We turn on those closest to us. Especially our parents. (Sorry, parents.) They knew this would happen. Every month? FOREVER!? It was inconceivable! It remains total bullshit. (Sorry, kids.) We learn to weaponize our self doubt and throw daggers of insecurity with surprising accuracy. We toughen our own skin and fabricate our first set of emotional armor. Bonnie was challenged by cherubic curves, all at once. She spent her days in agony as her spine took its time lengthening. I was challenged by sharp edges and stagnation. I spent my days honing acerbic wit and sarcasm. At night, I remained small and in the shadows of becoming but not quite.

Categories
Fiction

It’s a Mystery!

The wet sucking sound of the plunger could not entirely drown out the opening stanza of “Santa Baby” being piped through the store. The strange acoustics of bathrooms gave the song an eerie echo. Maggie was internally composing a strongly worded letter to the “resource center” about Christmas music in March. March! For fuck’s sake. Maggie channeled her irrational hatred of Christmas music through the plunger.

Categories
Fiction

This is not that story

An introduction to Waverly’s Tale.

This is not a sequel to The Princess Bride. For years, I thought it would be. Maybe for years I hoped it would be. I spent a long time searching for answers. Who kills Humperdink? Does Inigo become the Dread Pirate Roberts? What happens to Fezzik? Is True Love really that terrible? (Spoiler: It is.) Why did you read this? Stay with me. Yes, it is a story about a lost Princess, a Pirate, of Friendship and True Love. Yes, there are giants and witches and miracle men and evil Princes. It is a story of how love change us. It is a story of Princesses and of Brides but it is not Morgenstern, nor Goldman. This story started with them. So, it is with The Princess Bride, the book and my obsession with it, that we will begin.

Categories
Fiction

Aboard the Revenge

Wherein past and future arrive at the present. Masks are exchanged and brothers are reunited.

The Revenge made way quickly. The eerie wailing fading behind them did not fade quickly enough. For days, the men aboard would have an echo of it seize them. Only one serious injury resulted when a sailor fell from the rigging trying to cover his ears even though there was nothing but silence and sea on the wind. Mostly it would raise goose flesh and cause an involuntary shudder. At least there would be no positive gossip to lead others to One Tree.